New Years

Scotch and a bottle of wiskey. Two and two of the same, yet so much better in their own ways. The last night of my alcoholic binges, drinking, trying to drink socially or any of that. I'm done losing myself in something that doesn't matter. I'm hardly sure this even makes sense right now, I guess I'll see tomorrow. Tonight my plans consist of drinking some scotch to myself, going to my friends rock show, Slyder and Amoebacorns, and some younger band. Then afterwards, who knows which party I'll go to. One or the other, both wild, maybe I'll go to the bar but I'd be drunk and broke by then. Some party, some show, some drinks, some night. Shits going to go down. I love Clerks, haha comedy and awesome dialect. Hahaha Kaitlyn just fucked some old dead guy in the bathroom. Makes me laugh. Haha. Oh god.

Nice Recovery

A bad idea is like drinking rum, while you're doing it the idea seems swell until the next day when you've realized the horrible mistake you've made. I bought another book by Susan Juby today and started reading it. I love her work, this book is about her alcoholism as a teen and her recovery. So far it's my favorite by her, I'm sad the other books don't appeal that much to be but I'll probably read them all anyways. I also bought Choke by Chuck Palahniuk but haven't started in on it. Sounds interesting. Hopefully it's a novel I can get into. I gave D the novel Catcher in the Rye, I think he'll like it. I didn't read it but the summary sounds cool and definitely up his ally. I'm checking out the Vancouver colleges. I am pretty set on leaving after this semester. I can't take it here anymore, plus now that D and I are talking again and all friendsy I think it would be really awesome and we could support eachother. He hasn't been painting or drawing for the past year he's been there, and I've been really dead in the inspiration aspect too, music wise. I'm glad I think I have a solid story started up though. I think Vancouver would really add some more writing inspiration towards my writing. I just have to ace these next courses, quit drinking, quit smoking and save up some money and I'm good to go.

Drunk yet again?

I told D my game plan and he really loved it. He gave me some good ideas for the story too, some twists if you will. Then we drank some gin. Then I went to my dad's house and got trashed. Then I went to T's house and we did something weird. He doesn't have sex but we'll like make out and stuff or something I have no idea cuz I'm always wasted when we do. My dad got crazy last night and I probably did too, and then we were all crying. I gotta get out of this town. I think I'm leaving after these courses. I can't stand it here anymore. I'm excited about this novel though it's going to be awesome. I'm going to go to the sushi place and get my cheque and go cash it. I'm still drunk. Maybe I'll go to the bar. Who knows.

Rough

I guess it's more of an outline. I got some good ideas flowing though. Trust me, you'd vomit. I love it.

Lost Advice

You would think all the years of good and bad advice one would eventually learn to take and keep some and put it to good use. When I was 10 or 11 and my aunt came to visit you would think the one thing she said that still sticks in my head I would do. 'Keep everything you write'. Had I, I would be in a different line of thinking and writing. I started writing a novel when I was 15 and it was pretty awesome. It was about this Ukrainian Architecht, forgetting the name though creative it was, he goes through some kind of psychosis or something I think he had multiple personalities and it was a psychological thriller type book. I'd love to write more of those, how I wish I had kept it I'd be a famous selling author by now. But I guess it's time to start over. I haven't quite decided yet how I will introduce myself to the author world. Romance, Comedy, just pure fucked up ness. I'm thinking of the drug induced, university student mixed up sort of thing. Where I could imagine myself at this point. My life but more exciting and glamourous, not so much highschool-dropout-college-freshman-drugless-washed-out-alcoholic-hippie-stilllivingwithmotherandgrandparents. I'd like to stay away from the Romance to begin with. Maybe something miniscual in the first book. I don't think I'd be into writing sequels or trilogies. Too much of something is never a good thing. Girl or Boy, point of view, protagonist and antagonist. So many parts to consider. I never was good at planning out those types of things, I usually just wrote and wrote and wrote. I still have some cool things lying around I think, or maybe I transfered them to blog and threw them away. Stupid move since I deleted a lot of blog and now those thoughts are forever lost somewhere, not here. I'm always more concerned with the whole editorslashpublisher thing. Who would I want to represent me, or more seriously who would want to represent me? I guess I should be focusing more on what I should write first. I kind of have an idea and it's sure to blow some minds. I won't spill the beans yet until I get a few chapters done, perhaps I'll write it on another blog for viewing pleasure. I want it to be like a living nightmare type deal. Something you could never imagine right off the bat, a psychological thriller in a batcave at 40 below and you're a young Bruce Wayne type thing. I still have an hour and a half... I could come up with a rough draft. I should go now. More updates later.

Surrogate Mother

Last night I ended up visiting an old friend who's visiting from University, leaving tomorrow though. Quite glad I caught him. We drank some beers with his new girlfriend L, she's really awesome, I like her. I drank five beer, M had one. I feel so lame. And then I had the most fucked up dream. Most likely the greatest thing about yesterday was when I talked to M's father for almost 45 minutes about Psychological experiements and government issues and shit. I always really liked Harlow's Surrogate Mother experiement with the little monkeys and the wire mamas. Really great just sad for the poor scared little monkeys. *sadface* I just watched The Experiement, a Psychological experiement gone horribly wrong back in the Sixties. One man died, tragic. Mostly it's tragic for the field and followers of Psychology, because now they both have a reason to be given a bad rep. Oh shit I forgot I was writing. I was yelling at this boy I know who won't give up his jig. Anyways I'm going over to D's in a bit to draw and write or something creative I'm not sure what yet. So it's shower time.

Ween--Push th' Little Daisies

Is she weird?

I just got back from the liquor store, bought myself a 6-pack but I'm kind of regretting it now. I went to the new 50's diner here in town. It was good except for shitty service and the huge amounts of food. If the waitress had been in roller skates maybe I would have left her a tip. I swear good waitresses are hard to find. They're a dying breed. Speaking of food I had the best salmon last night at D's house, his brother cooked the most amazing supper I almost died. Mars Volta, here's a band I haven't listened to for some time. Variety is the spice of life. Wise words. Biggest problem of the night- finding someone to drink this six-pack with. I swear, New Years is the end of it. No more alcohol. Not that I made some phoney balogne resolution. But this is the year of extreme health for me. Seriously.

The years just start to fly by now it seems. Soon I'll be twenty and start to look rough. Being nineteen is even old for me. I haven't accomplished a lot of what I thought I would by this time. I thought I'd be in university, driving, and a published author by now. Unfortunately idle hands do the devil's work, or something like that. I guess that's what marijuana and psilocybin do to you and your brain. I totally see the point of those 'This is your brain on drugs' commercials, it most certainly is. Too bad for that, drugs are definitely fun.

My house smells like pot now. My internet connection keeps dying or something. I keep having to reset the router. I think I'm going to J's house for some beers and Dumb and Dumber. What a classic. No he doesn't want to drive tonight or something. I'm too much of a pussy to walk. Brr it's damn chilly out I tell ya. What to do what to do. I don't feel too much like drinking all alone. I wish K was here, I miss her terribly. She's down in Vancouver going to Emily Carr. Haven't seen her in half a year. Same with S but he moved to Ontario with his girlfriend, who knows when I'll see him again. Ahh friends and the good old days. I wish I could talk about more interesting things, I'm sure once I've gotten into the groove of blogging again the interest will just flow.


One of the greatest songs of all time:

okay yea I can't figure out how to embed the damn thing. I'll do it later.

Binge

I guess it's been a couple days, where I've been I have no idea. Drinking. Hung out with D n D yesterday. I guess I didn't work today, which is cool since I was still drunk when I woke up. I'm watching the Sopranos. Tony is talking to his therapist about being inlove with her. I couldn't imagine being a shrink. Prozac. I feel weird. I have intense heartburn today. Not really sure what to write... my wrist hurts so I want to avoid it. I'll write more later.

Merry nonono

It's Christmas Day. I woke up at 2pm. My mother handed out presents, thank god she decided to only give my brother and I money. I hate Christmas. I should do something awesome with this money... I'll probably just put it towards college. That's probably the wisest thing to do. I keep sneezing. I also had dinner at the boyfriend's grandparents last night. It was alright, too bad I was savagely hungover my head was killing me accompanied by this nauseating feeling. Some girl was just texting me informing that she was my cousin Kelsey and asking what I was doing. Unfortunately I don't have a cousin Kelsey, I should have just played along, it could have been fun. There's a family dinner tonight, coincidently there's also 2 other family dinners on the other side of the family that this side of the family does not like. Every year it feels like the same. But I think, tonight I will stay home, have dinner, then go to my aunt's with some kind of alcohol and cigarettes. Dammit, cigarettes. Hopefully there will be stores open, I hear the liquor store is. Those pills felt pretty relaxing last night. Too bad I don't have any more random things lying around. I just have these things for my migraines, I'm pretty sure they are just a synthesis of serotonin. Man, I feel so tired. And I'm hungry now. I have my first phone bill, it's like 120$ which stinks but that's just the first month. I really can't wait for college. I need to figure out what I'm doing with work though, work and college.... I don't think they mix well. And I need to work because I have my cell phone, stupid cell phone. I really don't enjoy working especially right now. I'd really like to just get into the whole college student persona. It's kind of hard to since this town sucks. Small town, going now where kid. That's how I feel right now but I know I'm not haha.

Alas!

So I found a great blog... too bad it has not been updated in two years, just my luck. It is super wicked though I love it. So inspiring, check it in my *Blogs I Follow*

still no sign of intelligent life

I have been searching blogger and still no sign. Should I lose hope that someone somewhere is leading a life so interesting that I would want to read about it? Todays journey was full of mothers, runners, and gamers of WarHammar. I continually *next blog*ed through 4 episodes of How I Met Your Mother with my only brother. Time consuming, and tedious. I remember Blogger being a lot more interesting four years ago.



ps these pills feel pretty good

I found these pills on my floor...one is pink, one is white

I decided to take them, I got them along the lines of when I was in pain so they are both probably muscle relaxants. Who knows, it will be fun I am sure. I am speaking without apostrophes because my new laptop has weird things instead of one it is a è and it is pretty annoying and I dislike writing without them because I would like to get my grammar up to parr. Anyways blogger still fails to fascinate me, I am also still hung over... I discovered I drank a bottle of rum at the party with a few others which is why I feel so terrible. For one I hate Rum and for two it always hangs me over...Maybe these pills will help. I am in a risk taking mood. Maybe my heart will fail or maybe I will have an awesome high or maybe they will not do anything at all. Who knows. Well I took them, I guess mostly due to boredom and interest. Mmm yea so there does not seem to be much to write about right now. It is Christmas Eve, how lame. Blogger has failed, again lame. These pills are not kicking in yet, another lame. Perhaps some music will lighten the mood...I have not decided yet if the new Deftones album is acceptable in my books. New albums usually are not that great. Sounds mainstream to me. Yet still Deftones. I am now going to search for interesting blogs again. Fingers crossed, I will come across something.

Regrettable Things

Out of spite of being sick, I decided to attend a christmas party.... I should not have gone. Or I should have gone to the first half , but skipped the second. Not really sure if I should have gone at all, ofcourse I knew if I went somewhere to begin with I'd be out all night. I think at one point A and I were debating on going to the bar... infact I think we were walking across the street when a group of gang members previously at the party told us bars were lame and asked us to come up to the second half of the party. I mean the first half was nice, chill and hardly crazy. The second half, was pretty...well...drunk. Not just including me, however I was smashed, everyone else was just as, if not, more wasted than I. Anyways I decided to let lose. Or something like that. It was going well though, I'm not sure if I was flirting with my friends or if I was being flirted with, non the less it was fun. I had a good time. Up until the part where I was nearly assaulted by E. I guess it wasn't too assaulting, I mean we do this once in a while I just don't know how he can when he has a girlfriend, unless his girlfriend is doing the same which I kind of was wondering about earlier in the party because she would sneak off with D and be gone for almost an hour at a time. Poor guy. Atleast we didn't have sex.This is why I usually never go to parties, especially christmas parties. Everyone seems to be in the mood for a good fucking. On top of that I was going to go to work today, seriously I was but I was out until 6 am and ended up sleeping in and I'm still kind of drunk.

Atleast I have a beer. Good old Christmas Eve. I guess family dinner has changed from tonight to tomorrow, which is good since I really don't want to spend christmas day dinner at the boyfriend's. I mean he's nice and all, and his folks are well... they're somethin different all together, but if I'm going to be eating a family dinner it might as well be with my own. Damn, he invited me for supper tonight. And on top of it it's at his grandparents. . . .. I don't know if I can handle this whole relationship thing anymore. And to find this out around christmas time is just dreadful. I mean all the gifts and shit. Not really an emotional thing for me. I just feel bad cuz now he got me a present, so I can't break up with him until I've gotten him a present, which I haven't yet. I wish I could live with a bunch of people who didn't believe in this make believe shit.

I might as well go. Just to be a nice girlfriend and all. Ew, Pilsner. I can't wait to get out of this town. I can be fucked up some place new. I think I'm just going to stash away money for the next year so that I don't have to work for a year when I move there. Or I'll just work casually. Either way, the working class sucks. Sorry if I mis-type. I'm still a little tipsy. I'd love to just write a book and become famously rich so I don't have to work those odd jobs doing whatever, wherever. I mean, I'll face it now I'll never be a famous musician, plus I still can't fathom selling my music for a living, that'd just be horrible and everyone will just steal it anyways so I won't get a paycheque. Nope, I'd much rather just write for a living and play music for fun. I guess I'm going to take up a Creative Writing course at the college this semester. A local author is teaching it so it will probably be pretty spectacular.

This time of year always makes me go crazy with thoughts. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's the solstice. I wouldn't doubt it. It makes me not want to leave my bed and just read and write and rant and rave. I think that's the whole college student thing. Up all night writing term papers and what nots. I wouldn't mind a good shot of the crazies during end of terms. What music do I usually listen to at this time....I'm listening to Muse but I don't think it's adding to my creativity or inspiring me in any way. I never have listened to the Sick Puppies, lately I've been deciding to though. I am determined to listen to new music. Yea I'm not sure... kinda sounds like poprocks. Sorry, not diggin it. Sick Puppies seems a bit too mainstream for me. Plus it's really soft and annoying. Like the guy's auditioning for Twilight. Plus I think he's secretly crazy. He looks it. I need a new band that I can become obsessed with. Maybe I'll find one from Vancouver area. Fuck I love 21 Tandem Repeats. Once I move to Vancouver I am definitely going to be going to Robertson's jams. They invited me to a few, but I couldn't just strut on over. That's a good 14 hour drive. But still, I'm excited for all the culture Vancouver has to offer me. I think I'm out of ranting for now.

Useless blogger

I tried my search again for interesting blogs only to come across numerous quilting/craftsmen type blogs, a few financial and then middle aged men/woman with their kids. The last blog I remember was titled something fierced by profiler " My name is Kari, but you can call me Agnes" . . . I did come across another not too bad blog, I think it's a geek's blog or so that's what he/she tries to portray it as. One of the entries was pretty funny, I laughed. I'm still up though, it's 6 am and I'm sick as a dog... why do people say that? Maybe dogs are always sick or something, I wouldn't doubt it the shit they eat all the time. My dog drank my orange juice today and started eating orange peels, not only that she sneeks cat food and yesterday ate like 6 chocolates. I'm surprised she didn't get ill. I constantly come across blogs with the most previous blog entitled or along the lines of, " No I'm not dead! I promise I will be blogging more!" April of 2010.... Well I can promise to you, blog world, that I will continually blog until I do keel over. What else is there to do really since I have almost no friends in real life, my jobs about to end this month and college is full on. I might add Creative Writing 209 to that list of courses. I'm interested in it not having the same teacher as last year. Jeeze what am I doing with my life... I know what I'm doing right now, I'm super hungry again so I better make some more soup... mmm soup...

Miss Smithers

I'm starting in on the 2nd book in the Alice trilogy by Susan Juby. Alice, I think was pretty awesome and I read it within a couple of days, I plan to just read Miss Smithers all day and maybe I'll finish it by later on. It's 3 am now, I'm still awake.

Jesus fuckin' Christ

Blogger's pretty lame and uninteresting, perhaps if I just blog maybe someone interesting will comment and I can read their super interesting blog. So far I'm being spammed (not really) by christianity blogs and art blogs, though the artsy blogs are pretty neat, I'd rather converse about something I find more interest in. I guess I haven't put forth too much effort into creating this connection with the blogging world. Still listening to Deftones... Maybe I should switch it up a bit... I haven't really listened to Muse's newer album the Resistance or whatever, so I'm going to now. It's alright so far. I'm hungry, and solids aren't my specialty right now... Chicken Noodle soup! Maybe I'll write something more interesting after.

Lilacs lacking lies

Dear Danielle

They were strangers in a forgotten land; a land where unmarked territories ruled the desolate soils of adolescents. Like ‘Nam, high school demanded blood. Love was controversial. His heart was at war with his head. Flowers and guns, the battlefield was endless. What happened to peace and love?

I wrote this earlier today for Susan Juby's website after I read her book "Alice, I think" She's going to be putting entries on her website for 6 months or something so I thought I might as well. Too bad blogger is full of ads, stock market shit and constant christmas recipes. I'd love to find someone interesting to read about or even talk to. I hate chat rooms, I used to be really into blogs when I was younger, too bad I let mine go to shit with fucked up poetry and nobody even wanted to read it anymore. I still have it I just hardly update it except when I feel like writing some fucked up poetry about something. I've just been eager to rant lately, I guess winter and insomnia kind of do that, plus being sick probably doesn't help. I did find one interesting blog, perhaps I should take a gander back out of boredom and curiousity.

Insomnia

Due to uneventful, or just plain boring blogs, I decided to write another entry. Fact is I was undecided upon a picture for my profile so I decided to upload a picutre of Alice Liddell. I guess my blog isn't all that interesting yet. I suppose at this point in my life everything is at a stand still and I'm in a pretty boring position myself. Reflecting back I aced my Psychology 101 course at the college, this semester I have, so far, enrolled in Psychology 102, Criminology 101, Mathematics 040, and Psychology 224. Hopefully I can also enroll in Physics 050. I would much rather be going to college than working fulltime. As much as I love my grandfather, working in an appliance repair shop is pretty bland. It was fun for a while, but I would much rather love to do something else. Mostly it just gives me a reason to stay in town. Once I'm done my transfer program I will be packin' my bags and heading south for the long haul. Who knows, maybe I'll be a famous published author by then and all my expenses will be paid for and I will be living the Canadian dream... I think that's what the Canadian dream is, that or playing in the NHL or something stereotypical like that. Wow it's already 1:30 in the morning. I guess time goes by fast when you're sick and have nothing better to do then surf lifeless blogs. Maybe I'll go back to doing that.

Welcome back!...to the real world

So it's been quite some time, I don't even think I remember how to blog, or how I want to portray my blogging skills. Best to just go with it I suppose. Every blog I see seems so well-put together. It's almost as though I am as tasteless as I am well...tasteless. Anyways it's only my first entry in forever, so I guess it's okay to just ...rant. Been listening to a lot of Deftones lately, my favors in music seem to come in waves. I finished reading the first whole book in probably four years, and a novel at that! Not smoking pot has really made a difference, I'm just afraid I might turn to other drugs for a bit, you know those weird pill-kind-of-drugs. I've kind of lost the whole 'habitual drinker' thing. Being an alcoholic takes it's toll on you and after a while it's just not that fun anymore, not really the reason I drank, I mostly just was trying to 'escape' or something I'm not quite sure because drinking does the exact opposite of forgetting, neurologically. I'm thinking I might just dibble dabble in a few other things, even though I want to clean up my act totally, experiementation is what inspires me. To be honest, I wish I wasn't in this dead end town. College this semester will be great though, it makes me feel good to just be getting so into something. I just can't wait, to experience something a little.... more. It's odd to say, but I still feel like I'm 15. It's almost like drugs and alcohol, depression and axiety with a hint of psychosis have kept me young. I still have my mind, but it felt good to lose it for a bit. Feels like just yesterday I was wishing to be older and going to University in Vancouver... and now by this time next year I will be. All at the supple age of 20 years old. What a rush! I've been desperately sick this last week, I think I'm allergic to Christmas. The whole ritual sickens me. Atleast next year I won't have to partake in such things... I'd rather be on my own, exploring a whole new city. One can only dream of what the big city has to offer. I used to fantasize about bringing my laptop to the local Starbucks when I live in Vancouver, and become a famous underground writer, maybe someone would come up to me and talk to me about whatever I was writing. Then I figured it was kind of stupid, why wouldn't I just write everywhere? I plan to once I get my new laptop. It's going to be a little notebook one or whatever that you can bring everywhere, this laptop's going to hell basically. I'll probably keep it around to watch some movies sometimes since it has an alright screen. I plan to just write, I used to before I started drugs and drinking, well mostly I think it was just the pot. I kind of got unmotivated after a couple years of daily toking. Mushrooms kind of mushed me up a bit too, but I admit, I over did it. Music kind of makes me feel high, I guess it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping well either. I always seem to go crazy in Winter time. One can only hope Vancouver won't be like this. I look forward to my classes at Capilanou, and the interesting people I will meet and the discussions we will have concerning similar interests. I'd love to be a well known author living in Vancouver, writing for a living. I used to write novel material all the time until I became delusional and what not. I guess I could write a novel on that. I'm pretty good at short stories. I'll look into it, maybe I should make a list of goals, one of them being to get published this year. Another thing that annoys me, New Year's Resolutions. As constructive as they are, I almost doubt anybody goes through with them. I know I never have. I've always been fond of goal making though, although when I was 15 most of my goals surrounded the idea of drugs and other non profitable things. I'm going to have a cigarette.