choke

I just finished reading Choke by Chuck Palanhiuk. It was really great I'm glad I bought it. Now to read the rest of my bookshelf. I'm starting on the top shelf and working my way down to the more informative material. First literature, new age spiritual books, phsyics including einstein and michio kaku's books, a couple stephen hawking, then into psychology and i have one sociology book. there's also a few music books in there but we'll get to that later. My next goal is to finish reading the Alice MacLeod trilogy. I'm on the second book, Miss Smithers, though I don't remember where I left off. I suppose first I should finish the James Joyce book I started reading last week because it's due back at the library next Monday. I need to do homework tonight. Math and Creative Writing at least so I can free up tomorrow for Psych all day. I only slept 8 hours today which is odd. I went to bed at 1 and woke up at 9. Today my abs don't hurt as much which means I need to add either 15 or 30 more crunches to my routine. Hmmmm.

Today I woke up at 10 pm...

Wowzers I guess guilt blocks my blogging abilities. The truth is I drank some beers that night, and then on this previous Friday I got wasted at the bar. Not bad considering A. I'm broke and B. I usually would drink more than two days over the period of two weeks or whatever. I just finished reading Nice Recovery by Susan Juby and it was great, the last six chapters were mostly about treatment facilities and her interviewing those in recovery so I had to kind of push my way through it but I'm glad I finished it. I started into Choke by Chuck Palanhiuk and I've got to say it definitely is soothing my craving for a good psychomessed up kind of novel. I'm about three weeks into my classes now. I'm kind of behind in all of them I think. I haven't been sleeping well, at first I was getting tons of homework done during the night but now I've become kind of useless and I didn't end up doing any homework at all today. I have a Math class in two and a half hours on the computer/telephone so I should attend since apperantly that counts for 10% of your grade. Also I need to get my sleeping back to normal. I applied for a job at the Gas Bar down the road and I'm really keen on getting the job. I have a few good reasons:

1. I need money
2. It seems pretty easy enough I don't have to over exert myself
3. I might be able to get some reading in
4. I need money

I got a 90% on my first math test. Woo hoo. I'd like to stick to that, I also did it at 6 in the morning. I've decided to start dieting and working out more. Last night I did 60 crunches, 20 in three directions. Also I've discovered the shit load of skin products we have in our bathroom and have decided to start taking better care of my skin to reflect my care of body. I still have a fat ass beer belly though. I've been thinking of talking to my doctor lately for a couple reasons, A. I need to get refills for my migraine medication or something new since I have acquired some sort of taste aversion and B. discuss cyclothymia over the past four years since now I'm at a low and it's really bothering me. Well I guess it's only Tuesday, aslong as I get my creative writing done and finish my first chapters in psych today and maybe finish that math page I should be alright. I'm just a worry murray. I'm going to go read some more.

ps. While cleaning my bookshelf I found out I have 4 editions of Romeo and Juliet.... strange

Lost count

I think it's only day 7. Last saturday, a week. J asked if I wanted a beer, should I go for it? We shall see, probably not. Be strong. I'm already thinking about next semester, english 100 and 112, as well as psychh 235. I wish there were more awards for a psych major. I could use the extra cash. I submitted a short story for creative writing, my focus now lies on math and psych 224, organizational behaviour. OB is really not what I thought it was, a lot more to do with workplace organization, but cool non the less. we need to go grocery shopping like now.

into the trees

and again and again and again and again. I've only been up 6 hours. It's a half past midnight. I plan on attending to some more homework. The Cure fills my ears, cochlea and all. Harmful chemicals, my lungs, my blood. In an instance I am back in my not-so-long-ago youth. Embarking day 8 of sobriety. And everything is cold now. My thoughts, a void. Currently that is all.

insomnia nia nia nia nia nia

Today was pretty swell, creative writing class was kind of boring. We have our first assignment though which seems alright and fairly easy. We have to compare our writing style with an author matched up by the site http://www.iwl.me/ Apperantly I write like James Joyce so now I must compare my excerpt with his. Tomorrow I'm going to indulge into some math and psychology, maybe creative writing later on but that can wait. More importantly math, psych and criminology. I'm scared for essays in Criminology, we seem to have quite a few. I'm excited to learn how to write in APA though. I think this semester is going to be a bit of a breeze, last semester was okay but getting back into the style of school was a bit tricky, I pulled through though. So far my week has been pretty lax. Tomorrow the real stuff begins though. I gotta crack down. My mother said tomorrow is a big shopping day. In her language that means we're low on things to eat and we better get to the store before we become malnurished. My dog is outside somewhere, she will not come in. I need to better my vocabulary. I wish it was raging with variety. I used to have a complex one, now it has fallen to the simplistic capacity of a failure. Damn. I think it improves every day though. Day 6 of sobriety.

Teleconferencing

I just finished my first teleconference with my Math instructor and some other student. It was weird. I was on the phone for an hour. But now I know what to do, I feel bad I owe my mom some major money when my grandfather gets back. I quit my job. I'm broke now. I need to pay my phone bill still though. Damn. I have five days. I need to get dressed, do laundry, take my dog out, do homework. I have a creative writing course tonight at 6. Jeeze my life is already getting backed up. 5 days sober though. Tomorrow is the actual breaking point. I need to stay home. Read, clean, write, draw something other than drinking.

sober....5 days

This is usually my breaking point. I haven't been to work this year. I want to elaborate on my mother. I know she's depressed. She sits on her computer all day playing pool and talking to her 'friends'. It's kind of sad. She lives off coffee and cigarettes. She's skin and bones. She dates guys online then they never call her again. I guess a lot of mothers are like this now. She doesn't care or notice I haven't been to work or that I'm depressed. I didn't mention I started going to meetings because she probably wouldn't have noticed and I'd have to say it twenty times before she said anything. 21st century mom, deluted by computer and online social networks. I messaged L, I told her I don't want to work anymore. I feel lame. I tried calling. Then I started crying. I want to avoid all that. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Oyea I found out it's only january 5. so thats 4 days sober. I'm getting ahead of myself here. I have Math class tomorrow at 10 am, online and Creative Writing at 6-9 pm. Stoked for both. I should organize myself now.

4 days

I've been sober 4 days and I've been feeling ever so more depressed. I started a body cleanse. I plan to do more of them once I'm done this one. Perhaps a lung cleanse next. I think I have a sinus infection. J just asked me to come drink some whiskey, he's depressed about his girlfriend dumping him and drinking seems to also be his coping mechanism. I turned him down. No way am I willfully going to just give up like that. It's already been four whole days. I can do this. I can make a week. College started today, I registered for Creative Writing 209. I'm thoroughly excited. Class is on Thursday night at 6 until 9. I didn't end up going to another AA meeting tonight, but I plan to next Tuesday. A friend of mine said he will come with me. I've been feeling a lot of rage lately. Rage towards everyone. I feel like killing someone in a million different ways. So many problems I have to deal with, just when I thought I was all caught up ten more just piled up. I've hardly gotten organized for classes yet. I plan to start working out in the morning. I just can't help this insomnia. Why has it gotten this intense? Is it because I'm alone with my thoughts and I continually overthink every little detail of my life? I plan to quit my job. I haven't showed up for a while. I think they know. I'm just scared to go back. I always have this problem and I recently over came it, although it was a year later I still went through with it. I think my phobias or social anxieties or whatever are easing up a bit. Who knows I practically cried trying to walk into that AA meeting last night. Alcohol made me appear stronger, but deep down I'm weak when it comes to shit like this. I'm a phoney weak son of a bitch, not to mention I am a cold hearted bitch. I don't care about anybody but myself deep down, I'm a loser and a slut. Saying these things doesn't really help anything but I think it kind of just allows me to see what I really think about myself when I'm not drunk. J's drunk and rambling. Poor soul. I've almost watched the entire series of Sopranos now. I'm on the last disk of season 4. I think there's two more. I feel like I should be talking to a shrink for christs sake.

AA

Day three of sobriety. I went to an AA meeting last night, or this night, whichever. It was okay but I almost threw up trying to walk in the door. I had a couple panic attacks on the walk over but everyone was really nice. I plan on going again tonight around 8pm. I feel really depressed since my last drink. I want to drink all the time. I tried to find some pills to maybe change myself but I couldn't find anything acceptable for a high so I ended up reading last night until 6 am. I woke up around 5pm. I guess I attacked some guy at the New Year party. I think that will be my last party ever attended until I'm old and sober for five years. Class starts tomorrow and I have not been at work since mid December. I should tell the shop I'm quitting and start looking for a new job. I've almost completed reading Nice Recovery by Susan Juby, my next book to read is Choke by Chuck Palanhiuk. I need to start going through my things and ridding myself of useless items amongst other things. It's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel guilt and remorse. I feel like killing myself a lot but my dog is what keeps me here. I haven't done any writing lately besides this blog. I'm scared for the next few weeks. Does alcohol really affect me this much? Apperantly so. I hate the person I've become. I need to change, drastically. I'm estatic for college and classes, new teachers and school work.

sober?

Okay so I drank for the fights, just a bottle of wiskey. Now Im done for life. Class starts in two days, bummer I was hoping for tomorrow since my first two classes are on Monday. I got 88% in Psych 101, second best in the class but only an A-. I wonder what my GPA is. Probably shit. Who knows. I need to figure out my life. Wow I just discovered Susan Juby is a teacher at UBC. When I move down to Vancouver I hope to take one of her classes, how inspiring! Being a student of such a great author! I guess I have a few goals this year, Save a shit load of money, move to Vancouver very easily, become a published author, ace all my courses, get accepted to a Susan Juby course, take up yoga, be super healthy. Ahh yes, shower feels good. I think I'm going to read now, I feel nauseous, too much dairy I assume. *as I eat another piece of pizza* last piece of the year I'll add.

2011

Last night was crazy. I got insanely wasted. S and I had such a good time together it felt like old days. I guess I got into a fight and now my thumb is almost broken its all swollen and bruised. D puked a bunch it was cute. I stole a bottle of booze from the bar at the show it was hilarious. Last night was pretty good I have to say but from now on I'm sober. Sobriety! I'm going to bed now, class stars on Monday, tomorrow is Sunday. I'm stoked my ass off.